Well, I debated about writing, but it always makes me feel better and considering my day, I guess I'll share.
I went to my second postpartum check up today because my last one didn't go well. My stitches hadn't dissolved and my tear was not healing properly, leaving raw skin exposed, which is extremely painful. I didn't know what to expect to hear today, not knowing if my stitches had dissolved or not, yet I did know everything was not healing, in fact, it may have gotten worse over the last two weeks, despite the estrogen cream he gave me to use. My doctor thought the cream would fix the problem well within the two weeks. Wrong. Unfortunately. There's a small chance it actually made it worse. So the news is, in 4 weeks I will have to schedule a day surgery to repair my entire "cookie jar," which I will be put to sleep for. They will cut the raw tissue out (tissue is just a nice way of saying he's cutting part of my vagina away!), and perform an episiotomy where I tore (which was a lot for those who do not know, a third degree tear), then stitch everything back up differently and a little tighter, which normally tighter is good, but in my case tighter is not good, because sex hasn't been quite like I imagined God intended it. Pretty painful and this was suppose to provide relief and hopefully create a fabulous honeymoon #2... needless to say honeymoon #2 isn't happening yet, which to be quite frank, makes me angry. Luckily my husband is understanding (as a man can be), but I am just left frustrated as heck with everything. I couldn't quite get past the tears today and Clay took me out on a nice date tonight. We saw The Proposal which was really cute. Really helped, but at the end of the night, this still seems to consume me.
It's hard when you feel like you did everything so right in a relationship and felt like your marriage would be honored because of it, and you haven't felt the honor in "certain" departments. I love Clay and he's amazing. He honors me, and I guess that is the ultimate honor... but I want to show honor in "creative" ways. I guess I'll make this post public and this is a real problem and I hate more women don't talk about it. It makes me feel awkward and alone, so I feel proud I can talk about it, even though it hurts my heart.
I do really trust my doctor, but lately he seems to lack information and why's. I have decided to get a second opinion, just to make sure there isn't a better route to go. I know I have to do what I have to do to get things right down there, I was just praying it wouldn't come to this. So publicly, I am asking my readers to pray for my vagina. LOL. At least I can laugh when I say that. But seriously, I need to know people are praying. I have four weeks to heal or surgery. The doctor and myself don't seem too hopeful, but that doesn't mean there's 0 chance of it healing. Please pray. Sounds silly to ask you to pray, but I always have believed in the power of prayer, and God has proven the power in prayer twice this year in 2 really big ways, so with my pride stripped away, I am asking my friends to pray for my cookie jar. Maybe I should make everyone a batch of cookies so you'll remember, but then again, that would be gross... every time you take a bite, you think of my privates. Haha. Not good.
On another stressful note, I am also looking for something part-time to do either with Lola or where my mom could keep her a few days a week for a little bit. If you know of anything, please let me know. I need to at least figure out what it is going to be even if it doesn't start until summer is over. I have a few options and my dad is possibly creating a cool job that is needed between the 3 stores, yet I praying through the decision to return to CFA. I will be getting more information about what he is looking for this week, so I can make a decision that best suites the both of us and Lola. Please, please let me know if you think or know of something. I feel like kids are my passion and strong point so I am exploring that route the most. Clay and I both feel like my place is at home with Lola, but to make things easier, I hope to bring in a certain amount a month to help with life's expenses. My dad warned me about these things that can add up, and now I guess this is what all those adults kept referring to as the "Real World." I use to hate it when people would say that- but it's true... Although I'll try to prepare Lola for the "Real World" without calling it that so it doesn't annoy her. :)
Well, Lola has been sleeping since Kebby left, our pro babysitter. They must have had a great time, because Lola is sleeping so soundly. I'll post pictures soon. She makes me so happy.
Thanks Clay for a wonderful date and it was so fun you having your first Father's Day. You are the best, father and husband. Love to ya.
Please pray and I'll keep you updated every so often.